What does it truly mean to practice self-love and how do we know when we’re doing it? What does it look like, how does it feel and why should we do it? If you’ve never wondered these things, then you should probably start pondering. Here are some of my morsels of wisdom to get you started.
But First…A Little on My Journey
Whatever it was I was seeking when I decided to move to Tasmania, I never expected the result would be a one-way ticket to myself. On this journey I keep learning more about what ‘self-love’ really means and I’m here to share my insights.
For most of my life, I thought the most important thing was to be humble. Though, I seemed to confuse the meaning of humble with undermining myself. So, in practice it looked like: I will flat out refuse to believe any good thing anyone says about me — ever. My only ideas about self-love came from the social media slogans like ‘treat yourself’ and that self-love was synonymous with pampering. To be completely honest, I thought that people who say they love themselves probably just spend too long goggling in the mirror. I thought I had nothing to work on because I was comfortable in who I was and would never be swayed by the opinion of others and therefore, I practiced self-love (cue sorry feeling for this naive young lass).
Since moving (alone) to a small town over 1 year ago and having nothing else to distract me other than the sound of the birds and the whizz of a car drive by once a day (this is dramatic but compared to the hustle and bustle of a big city, it really does feel like this). I have been forced to pay more attention to the babble ‘upstairs’ and the lingering negativity I’ve tagged myself with for so long. It has been an uncomfortable, lonely, wholesome and totally freeing journey and my guess is, it’s far from over. But one thing is for sure: loving yourself is less about bubble baths and outward confidence and a whole lot more about dealing with your emotional baggage.
The Self-Love Recipe: Ingredients You’ll Need
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but to love yourself, you’ll need to open up the can of worms that is your past, face the trauma head-on in order to move more freely into the future (Important Note: this is from my experience. I am not a psychologist, getting the right therapist will be the best investment you make in your self-love journey).
When I first set out to deal with my $h** I found it an overwhelming and daunting task, “how the heck do I actually love myself”, “where do I even start!?”. To be completely honest, I have no idea how I’ve stumbled here but upon reflection, here’s the breakdown of what I’ve come to understand self-love involves:
- Reflect on thy-self.
- Be forgiving.
- Have grace and self-compassion.
- Release unhealthy attachments.
- Show up for yourself to build internal trust.
- Set boundaries.
- Take care of your physical health.
- Enjoy your own company.
Self-love through self-reflection
Perhaps the most important step in this whole process and most certainly an iterative and continuous one.
It is no coincidence that I mention self-reflection first, it’s importance cannot go overstated and the reasons are two-fold:
- If you want to love yourself, firstly you’ll have to get to know yourself – who is it that you’re loving?
- Part of getting to know ourselves is uncovering what has held us back and therefore we must identify and heal from our demons.
Get Chatty
I have a friend who I call my ‘guiding Angel’ because almost all of the insights I’ve gained in myself have either directly or indirectly come from her. One thing she has said that has stuck with me and completely revolutionised my attitude to life is this (and I paraphrase):
“Everything significant that happens in your life, happens because there is a lesson you must learn. God (or whatever you believe in) will deliver these lessons in whatever way necessary to make you listen. So, if you refuse to reflect and be intentional with your energy and thoughts. If you refuse to look for wisdom or seek to honestly improve, then these lessons will come through suffering.
– Words of Wisdom from my ‘Guiding Angel’
Instead, choose not to suffer. Reflect, be honest, seek wisdom and growth in earnest and you will find that these lessons are delivered more gently”.
For me, this statement sums up why self-reflection is a key ingredient to loving yourself and your life. It was the catalyst that catapulted me into a journey of healing, finding purpose and loving the me that I am. What it says, is that to live a more beautiful life you must always be honest with yourself and seek wisdom. Be honest about what troubles you, the mistakes you’ve made and what you want out of life and then take action. In reflecting on your hearts, you get to know your hearts. For, in your hearts is where your true self lies.
In practice, reflection can take many forms but my favourite one is routine Journalling. Write down every thought, fear, hope and gratitude you have on a regular basis. Sit down with the intention to think critically about where you want to go and how you can improve and take note of what you are learning of yourself.
I also highly recommend opening up to a close friend or relative (or professional therapist). Someone you trust, who is honest and has your best interests at heart. These people can help you to see things you wouldn’t be able to on your own (enter guiding angel).
Forgiveness Bares Fruit
As Hannah Montanna would say: Nobody is perfect. We are not all perfectionists but we are all our own worst critics — or something to that effect. So, while reflecting on how we can improve is important, holding on to our mistakes and the guilt that comes with it, is a sure-fire way to not love ourselves.
You are only human and mistakes are inevitable, so don’t beat yourself up with them. Instead, use them as vehicles for learning and growth. Understand that you are bound to make more mistakes in life and prepare to give yourself grace for those too. Show kindness and compassion for yourself as you would a friend. It helps to imagine speaking to yourself as the child version of you. Once you have identified an area of improvement and committed to learning and growing from those mistakes, you now deserve to let go of the burden of guilt and forgive yourself for your past.
To forgive is to be unshackled. There is nothing more freeing than releasing your mind from the captivity of self-deprecation. It’s post-massage bliss for the mind and soul, like relaxing a muscle after extended strain. All of a sudden there is a world of mental and emotional space available for self-love.
An absence of deserved forgiveness is an absence of love.
Let Go
From reflection comes understanding which is followed by action. These actions are the essence of self-love. One such important action is in removing unhealthy attachments from your life and psyche. What the heck does that mean you may ask? Ok, I shall explain less cryptically using myself as an example.
I used to (unconsciously) believe that happiness and love came from others. Certain figures in my life bore more weight and significance than they should have. I was reliant on them for security, confidence, happiness, hope…etc. In realising that I had attached certain parts of myself to certain people I could therefore remove those ties and instead find those things from within myself.
Because guess what girlfriend, ain’t nobody coming to save you.
Removing my attachments and reliance on others meant I could instead have faith in myself, look after myself and be more intentional about getting to know myself. Of course, in saying all this, it is important to know when to ask for help. No one should have to go at things completely alone. This is about being self-reliant only for how you feel about yourself and your life.
Be Your Own Boss – For Real
In the spirit of relying on ourselves and building confidence in our abilities, next comes trusting yourself. The greatest sign of respect you can show to yourself is showing up when you say you’re going to do something. For so long, I had all these things I wanted to do but would forever put them off due to straight-up laziness. I didn’t realise the impact this was having on my perception of my capabilities.
The same way you would look upon an unreliable colleague who never does what they say they will do, is how you will view yourself if you never do what your heart calls for. During your routine journalling, seriously consider what it is that you want to achieve, make goals and action them – even when you don’t feel like it. Over time you will build confidence and trust in yourself and in doing so, a sense of love and fulfillment.
Fortify the Fortress with Borders
“Know your worth” is a phrase we hear a lot these days. I often hear it said in the wrong context and with a misguided message. This one deserves a dedicated article but I will summarise the main point.
You cannot know your worth until you have built a habit of self-reflection, learning and growth. If you don’t do these things, how can you know what you deserve? Understanding ourselves, our limits and our strengths will also lend itself to identifying where we must set boundaries in our relationships.
Whether it be with friends, relatives or significant others, you must care for yourself before you can care for another. There is a fine line between being a supportive friend and bearing someone elses’ burden. Sometimes, it may feel like we are letting someone down or being a bad friend by setting boundaries. In reality, it is the ingredient to healthy relationships and if anything, will only improve the time you spend together.
The Body, the Temple
It should go without saying that loving yourself involves taking care of your health. Eating nutritious food to fuel your adventures, energising through exercise and rejuvenating through sleep. Unfortunately, this can easily fall by the way-side when our schedules get busy or our positive mindsets faulter. While we don’t want to restrict ourselves to misery because ‘life is too short not to eat the chocolate’ (trust me, I’m with you), life is also too short to be mal-nourished.
If you find that you’ve been eating more ‘junk’ food than wholesome and organic food or have been too sedentary. Maybe you can take care of your physical health as a way of loving yourself a little better.
While I’m all about living life to the fullest and seeking delicious experiences, a little discipline and self-control can go a long way too.
Hello Best Friend
Throughout your lifetime, the person you will spend the most time with is you, so the best thing you can do is enjoy that time. Find what makes you shine and then go out and do it even if there’s no one else to join you.
Gone are the days where sitting in a cafe by yourself is a sad sight. People who love and respect themselves enough to do all that they want to do with courage and independence, are people we should aspire to be.
Spending quality time with yourself is an act of love and one that should be part of your routine. If there is a place you want to visit or an activity you want to try, don’t wait for your friends to be free! Go out there and do it with you, don’t put off life experiences for the sake of other people’s schedules. As Ross Geller would say “that is so silly“.
As I am sure you can tell by now, the deeper you go, the more there is to loving yourself. But, rest-assured, getting your nails done and marinating in a bubble bath is by no means the limit to self-love. Self-love is about learning, seeking to improve and having compassion and best of all, it is a never-ending journey :P.
Wherever you are on yours, I hope this article has brought you some light and encouragement. Know that the process is never linear. Find solace in knowing that it is in the troughs where growth occurs, and from which blooms a more beautiful you.
As always, I welcome your comments and feedback so get in touch with me on Instagram! I wish you all light, love and luck on your journeys.
Until next time,
God Bless!
